The top ten


Real actual books!

This happened:

 London is officially the worst town in the UK and isn’t it nice to have the truth out there? That London has been making life miserable for its own inhabitants and the rest of the country. That the only people who can still afford to live in the middle of the city are politicians, criminals and bankers. That… Hang on! I’m going off on one about London again, but there’s no need. It’s all in the book. Plenty of other people have written far funnier pieces than my latest rant.

What I should be doing is writing out the top ten:

  1. London
  2. Bradford
  3. Chipping Norton
  4. Southampton
  5. York
  6. Gibraltar
  7. Coventry
  8. Nuneaton
  9. High Wycombe
  10. Stoke-on-Trent

There are another 40 towns in the book too. Not to mention five improvers. It’s hitting the shops now if you want full details. And also  the fun of reading all the jokes, outrage, scandal, gossip and rage in the book. Not to mention of thumbing through the pictures… The UK has definitely supplied some great photographic material this time around.



So! The book is available at this splendid network called Hive

It’s also available at Waterstones.

You can pre-order the ebook all over the place. Here’s the apple link.

It’s also available in all kinds of high street books stores and supermarkets.

And yes, you can get it on amazon. If you knew how often I was checking the amazon chart, you’d laugh.

Meanwhile if you’re waiting for the results of our dullest place to live poll, check back on the site later in the week. Sorry it’s taken so long to share the details. Guess what? That’s right, Writing about Leamington Spa was so boring, I never quite got round to doing it…

Finally, quite a few people have been getting in touch with me to try to claim that London isn’t a town. Oh yeah? Take that up with Bucks Fizz:



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17 thoughts on “The top ten

  1. Nel

    I very much approve of the inclusion of Bradford and Nuneaton. The former is beyond help, while the latter is a miserable monstrosity. Hard to believe George Eliot hailed from there.

    Looking at the long list, hopefully the Medway towns get a mention in the top 50. Some are slightly better than others (Strood?), but Gillingham is irredeemable. Pretty much all of north Kent and south Essex is, to be honest.

    In terms of London coming out on top, I’m torn. Surely it’s a case of specific districts that are especially crap. Romford, notably.

          1. craptownscouk Post author

            Ha ha! Well, I’m writing this while walking in Norwich, so if you don’t mind waiting, that would be fab. (Although I should warn you, it is a proudly daft explanation. )

  2. Martin Nonsanctus

    You’ve missed Dover, compared to which Hull feels like a cosy place, and the option to sail for France being its only advantage. BTW, crack pipes can easily be found on Glasgow buses too; no need to go all the way to Southampton.

  3. Dave Dude

    Could we have Edinburgh on there next time. Like York only bigger and crapper. Bradford’s crappy neighbour Leeds could do with a mention, too.

    1. Chris Neville-Smith

      Edinburgh was joint 4th in the last book, although I think their position was artificially inflated by the Glasgow vote.

      But, yes, I agree that Edinburgh should have had a bye to the longlist so that it can defend its title.

  4. Garth

    For a mental health break please visit the splendid Lancashire town of Bury. It has many admirable faciities (inc. a world famous market) and does possess a hybridised beauty that derives from its mix of, for a change, pleasant modern architecture and semi rural geographical location.

    You will however need to factor in the usage of a helicopter for your visit because the traffic congestion makes Mumbai at peak time look tame.

    And don’t go for a drink in the evening at weekends – unless you are an accomplished MMA fighter, and just want some practice – not a drink.

  5. chav towns comment

    Gosh this is a joke that has got out of hand have the creators of this website/book actually been to poor places? Have you actually seen endless streets of unemployed families where the kids know by the age of 10 that they wont work a day in their life because of poor schooling/schools, the fact that not only the towns they live in but all of those with a 15 miles radius have double the national average unemployment and that because they don’t have enough money to move anywhere else (because non of their family have had a job) and due to the high price of running a car will never be able to go further then their feet can carry them, this is what is called “the poverty trap” and I doubt any of the creators of this website have actually ever seen it. Here is a list of towns where not only are these towns unemployment filled dumps but they are also surrounded by unemployment filled dumps:

    1.Redcar, Teeside
    2.Colne, East Lancashire
    3.Nelson, East Lancashire
    4.Burnley, East Lancashire
    5.Middlesbrough, Teeside

    I have seen these towns (a relative of mine has even lived and worked in them) and I can tell you that these are 5 places where the true definition of hopelessness from birth till death can be found. These are towns where anybody that does work not only stands out but is laughed at, victimised and even hated because they are simply something different.

    In the case of Redcar and Middlesbrough where the unemployment rate is double the national average (yes that is 200% of the national average), where are your local options in terms of work in and around Teeside? Well Grangetown is just as bad, Hartlepool is miniscally better, Darlington is just as bad so what are you going to do where is the mythical place near Redcar or Middlesbrough where unemployment has not taken over? well that’s the problem there is not anywhere for people living in Redcar or Middlesbrough, they will struggle to make anything of their lives and the closure of the steel works was the final nail in the coffin for Redcar and Boro.

    As for Colne, Nelson and Burnley well similar problems just with added chavs, even worse schools oh and of course the centre for the racist revolution in Britain but at least the unemployment is only 190% of the national average. Your in just as much trouble in East Lancs as you are in Teeside, unemployment, the worse schools in the country (well done Burnley) the highest teen pregnancy rates in the north west (Burnley again), the chavs have not only taken over East Lancs but have put their print of racial hatred on the area hence the Burnley riots in 2001 and of course their is the added bonus of having mile upon mile of boarded up houses from the second you turn off of a main road in this part of the road you ask yourself what have you done (and that cancer has spread from Burnley, Colne and Nelson to make inroads in Accrington). Did I mention just how amazingly backward this part of the world is (rumours of inbreeding, horse shagging are rife and have even been proven by local police). So what are your options in Burnley, Nelson and Colne well you could go to Accrington (oops no job there either but at least the place is safer and friendlier), Brierfield has the same problems as them , Blackburn is alright but not exactly a town that can cater for the many jobless in Colne, Nelson and Burnley.

    While the 5 places I have named in my list are the literal meaning of hopelessness I take my hat of to the people of Teeside and East Lancashire. In particular to the people of Redcar, Colne, Nelson, Burnley and Middlesbrough because I do not know how you all keep going each day. People from these parts are clearly something of a different breed it takes something special to spend your whole life in these places and its clear these people are as hard as they come to be able to manage to still drag themselves out of bed each day to stand outside the local corner shop in their fake Burberry caps and fake grey Nike tracksuit bottoms. People of Redcar, Colne, Nelson, Burnley and Middlesbrough I salute you because the daily lives you lead 99.9% of people in England could barely imagine let alone lead.

    1. Chris Neville-Smith

      Hey, as a former resident of Saltburn I am going to have to leap to the defence of neighbouring Redcar here. I have been to both Redcar and Middlesbrough many times, and yes, they do suffer a lot from unemployment. However, a lot of that’s down to circumstances outside of their control, and some of us do actually have an interest in doing something about it. You apparently don’t, if you knowledge of the current state of the steelworks is anything to go by.

      And, much more importantly, I would much rather live in Middlesbrough or Redcar than any of the numerous snobbish areas of smug self-satisfied Middle England who seem to whoop and cheer when northern employers shut down rather than lift a finger to try to get them open again.

      Sam and Dan, any chance of getting GCHQ to trace which town this comment came from, and then insert this town into your book in time for the 10th. I know you’ve only got 28 hours left, but I’m sure it’s time well spent.

      1. chav towns comment

        That would be a bit silly because it was voted the best place to live in England a few years ago. I have also lived in a tough town (not to far from Burnley) in the north west and can therefore say that I have seen poverty even, lived in poverty, I like yourself am against everything middle England stands for and would like to see both Teesside and East Lancashire thrive in the future.

  6. Harrison

    Just to add to chavstown comment about Nelson colne and burnley I used to live near these and your right these are truly awful places to live the poverty the drugs the crime racial tension and segregation to mention a few..there are some nice areas around the slums but not many I’ve moved out now and a lot happier they are shit holes that need cleaning up quick.


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